Looking back


They say that driving by looking through the rear view mirror will not get you very far. I feel like I was looking at all the places I should be looking at this year, including the rear view mirror, the side mirrors, beside me and in front of me. It was a good mix, a great mix, but it took a lot from me. I guess I am still trying to figure out what is the right mix that’ll work for me (until it doesn’t and I need to re-adjust again).

Life is indeed fluid.
You can apply as many rules as you want, but in the end, you end up receiving exactly what you feared you’d get. How funny is that!
It’s better to be open to receiving whatever comes your way.
Also nothing is guaranteed.

I realised in this year, with absolute certainty, that I took many emotional risks. And I’m certain to keep going. I see an opportunity open up and I have no hesitations in going after it. There must be an inherent trust in myself to do the best I can. And every time, irrelevant of the outcome, I’ve learnt something new about myself. This makes me so excited about life, and fully taking advantage of me while I can. I know one day my body, my mind, we won’t be walking together quite like this again. Now is the time!

This year I opened and shut a door, on two occasions. It wasn’t easy (is it ever?) and I was disappointed that it didn’t work out. But looking back, I learnt a lot about myself and I walked through them with honesty and courage like I knew how. And I held onto myself, never letting me slip too far when I was loosing grip. But in learning that in order to stay in those situations meant having to let go of who I am … I choose myself.

Music saved me once again. I just kept myself grounded about what I had to do. I know I have to practice to get better. I know I have to be a better player to make better tunes. I know I have to put myself out there, to receive feedback and interact with other people, who have so much to offer me. I know that nothing works effectively in isolation, and the best results always come from beautiful collaborations.

And indeed I held onto those thoughts, and the melodies in my heart and head, and I found my way back. And I closed the doors that weren’t doing me any good. And new ones eventually opened.

I’m now part of a band with some real awesome folk, I have more inflection in the melodies I write because I’m more confident. In myself too. I am finding my way. It’s been fun. But it’s going to get even more fun. I can feel it.

As an epilogue to one of the doors I shut this year, I wrote some prose (maybe I’ll turn it into song):

down by the waterfront
we sat talking all night long
hearts beating as one
my heart, my love, my shadow
i revealed them all to you
but out of our truths, grew chaos
an out of control sadness and longing
an entangled, enmeshed love affair
you can hide, but you still feel
yet you choose to drown it out
still i wait, if i wait, i’d wait
half heartedly, i’d wait forever
for a forever that may never come
yet i wait as i sit by the waterfront


I also recorded a new video of a cover song, Secret Heart by Ron Sexsmith, with my newest family member ‘cusak’ a nice little electric. The audio and video quality isn’t great, but I was just wanting to get something out there rather than striving for perfection. I need to put up more content I know!