I have no idea what I’m doing

Yep. This much I am sure of.

I know this year began in a dramatic turn of events for the world, but the build-up was there. The fact that we’ve spent so long either in silence or in a quiet debate meant our choice of inaction led to this point. Now we know, and we’re beginning to wake up and realise that silence always takes the side of the oppressor.

But after living in silence for so long, our rebuttal comes erratically and violently, or uncertain and insecurely. But yes it comes. Finally, it comes.

My personal struggle this year comes with a few losses too. A loss of direction, a sense of greater purpose and drive. And a loss of confidence.

I released my first single out into the world, having not a clue how to do it. I pushed it live via posts on social media and a few streaming services like SoundCloud and BandCamp. But I didn’t know how to build publicity nor did I plan a strategy. I just wanted it out and I wanted feedback from others, who turned out to be mostly my friends. I’m thankful. But I want to grow.

My band played our first show at the end of January. It was a good turnout and we had fun. But the work doesn’t stop for us.

I’m finding a lot of challenges in balancing a part time steady gig and trying to expand my freelancing network so I can score more paid projects. It feels like monkey bars, I’m afraid to let go and make the jump to the next set of bars, yet I know if I want to grow I need to make the leap eventually.

Yet I need the financial stability to ease my anxiety about finance.

I have also started to have a steady stream of market gigs I’ve been performing at, but the heatwaves have proved a real challenge physically. I’ve had to reject a few gigs for this reason.

All of this adds up, to this point where I feel like I have completely lost my shit and whatever I do I just can’t get it right. But logic tells me that I won’t feel like this forever, and I should just focus on what I can achieve right now.

It’s times like this that I honestly wished for some guide or mentor to tell me that everything will be alright and that I am doing the right thing. But the truth is, I don’t think I’d believe them anyway.

This is my thing. I’ve chosen to take on all these roles at once. And now they are overwhelming me, little by little.

But at least I am no longer silent. I am pursuing music, in however many possible ways as I can, until I get onto something bigger.

While I truly have no idea what I am doing and writing this I realise just how lost I am feeling, I’m still going to dust off the dirt and continue this journey. I am not going to give this up despite wanting to every day because giving up is not an option I’m willing to take. I am not ready to give up. The journey only just started, and if I can get through this then I will only become stronger and more experienced to deal with it in the future.

Yep. This much I am sure of.